Archive for December, 2012

should i go?

Posted: December 28, 2012 in depression, hospitalization, mental health

what makes you finally decide to go inpatient?

you just cannot take it anymore?

you know your meds aren’t right?

you are thinking of harming yourself but know deep down you won’t? or will i? what is my breaking point?

a few factors to think of for the cons:  my bday is tomorrow, new year’s is next week, we have no money for the high copays they charge, i still owe the hospital $100 dollars, I don’t want to inconvenience everyone.  the pros: i will get help. I will be safe. I will get my meds balanced.

I just don’t know.

yesterday was awful for me. for some reason i snapped out of the really bad thinking, took a hot bath, and was OK enough to not go.

i feel like i’m still unstable and having ‘those thoughts’ but just am torn.

how do you make the decision? i am off. i’m not mentally right.  my husband does not know. he just says ‘do what you think is right’. well what is that?  what is right? i have a foggy perception of right and wrong now.



Limited time: picture post.

not sure how to quite repost yet on wordpress. but here’s one i wanted you to see. reminds me of myself

the 27th-another day

Posted: December 27, 2012 in Uncategorized

I managed to stay out of the hospital yesterday, despite my mood yesterday.

I was very down yesterday.

Thinking about the past a lot.

Went to my trauma skills group last night and that sort of pulled me out of it.

I am learning about ‘mindfulness’ lately at skills group.  I am enjoying this. It’s sort of a review for me.  I’ve heard of it before, just really did not understand so much. Now it’s becoming clearer to me.

I am glad the holidays are almost over-New Year’s and all. My 41st bday is the 29th. Never happy about that. Hubby wants to take me out to eat. I told him no.  Lately I’m socially very anxious in public. Not sure why. I’m on pills now, double the dose. Maybe they just haven’t kicked in yet or maybe I need more or a different med.

I had a bad nightmare that lasted all night last night, about me being in the mental hospital. bad.


Posted: December 26, 2012 in depression, mental health, SMI

talk to me about cutting.

being a cutter.

why did it start. 

what was the mindset.

how did it happen?

how old you were the first time?

i will be 41 on the 29th of this month and why in the last month has that all i’ve been thinking about. never cut before in my life. i don’t want to kill myself necessarily.  i just want pain gone . i’m thinking this might be a good release. i know logically it does not work to get rid of pain.

please tell me.

help me.

inform me.

no judgements please. i am suffering lately.

call into radio

Posted: December 21, 2012 in mental health, SMI

i called the local a.m. talk radio show this morning to weigh in on mental health. i’m so proud of myself!
the talk was all about the sandy hook shooting one week ago today. the host characterized ‘those people’ (the shooter) as “demon monsters” who are committing these crimes. So I thought I’d weigh in and tell him MY perspective as an SMI consumer. I believe the government here in the United States is failing us. In my state of Arizona you can ONLY get full services if you are poor and SMI. I don’t make tons of money, but I’m actually 24 dollars over the cut to get the state paid health insurance. So the only thing that the state payor does for me, mental health wise, is pay for my medication. They see me about every 3 months and adjust my meds. thats IT! If I call it takes about 3 days to get a call back. they are awful. I basically wanted to let the radio show host know that if the state and U.S. would give proper mental health services these problems would be greatly reduced I believe. period. I didn’t go ‘live’ on the show because wanted to remain anonymous-not wanting to ‘come out’ completely just yet to anyone who is listening locally. I am waiting to hear if they will air my information. The hosts’ sidekick took my information and said he’d pass it on. Hopefully they air this. Maybe the government will start listing TO THE CONSUMERS!

what are your thoughts about this?

first class

Posted: December 20, 2012 in mental health, skills class-DBT

went to my first ‘skills class’ last night for my trauma support/recovery counseling. basically i have to go through 4 months of the skills class for DBT and then I will get free 25 sessions of trauma counseling after that. they basically just don’t want you unstable before they throw you into intense counseling. i get that. but in the meantime it’s hard because i don’t have a counselor. go figure.

still taking the meds as prescribed.

trying to get myself through the holiday without too much upset for me and everyone else.

what are you up to latelY?

anyone there? lol

random post

Posted: December 18, 2012 in mental health, SMI, social security

this post is going to seem random tonight, as my thoughts are kind of all over the place. first i wanted to share the meds i am taking. i take generic lexapro and generic effexor. the lexapro i’ve been on since i think May this year. the effexor i just started taking last week. i’m maybe 5 days into it. the side effects are not that bad, other than the horrible constipation and the headaches. oh ya, also i wake up every hour on the hour. the NP (nurse) told me this might happen and to take one pill upon waking up and one around 1 p.m. I do this but still it’s messing with my sleep. I’ve been pretty bad lately with my suicidal ideations, but not to the point of doing anything. i just have thoughts. like i think about it a lot. wonder what it would be like. afterwards. and such. i do this a lot. my friend (who i met inpatient mental ward in sept this year) tells me she thinks i should go back inpatient for a while to get my meds corrected. i don’t know. i am SMI and am going for social security/disability. my attorney says go inpatient if i need to, as it will help my case in the long run, but to not live my life around social security. i agree. right now i’m trying to stay out of the hospital due to christmas. i have the kids still at home and just don’t know how i would explain that to them years from now , where was i on xmas 2012??? hmmm. my first trauma skills class starts tomorrow evening. i will take this once a week for 5 months or thereabouts. they want to prepare me for one on one trauma counseling. seems like a long time to do this, but i am desperate at this point to get help AND it’s free! i hear they do EMDR and all the best top of the line stuff. so we’ll see. i’ll keep you posted on how that goes. for now i’m going to lie down. my mind needs to rest a bit. if you are a newbie to my gentle healing blog, i welcome you to say HI, introduce yourself. and i really hope i do not ever offend anyone. but i want my posts to be real. me. only my thoughts so others can heal with me. have a good nite 😉