Archive for January, 2013

Happy Little Clouds

Posted: January 25, 2013 in Uncategorized

Happy Little Clouds.

Why you hate yourself and think you deserve to suffer.

My NP told me to take 1 Prozosin (new pill) for sleep and my PTSD bad nightmares.
And if 1 is not enough to up it to 2 at bedtime.-I saw her yesterday for my hospitalization follow up and more medications. I was in the hospital (again) for a 24 hour hold. I wanted to kill myself last Saturday to Monday. By Monday I went in.

Well the first night was last night. One is not enough. (of taking the Prozosin). This pill is for sleep and my PTSD/nightmares.

Horrible nightmare last night, not necessarily of the PTSD, but knowing now that my nightmares are definitely bothering my day when I wake up-my depression is awful when I get up and I never recall my nightmares to know why I am so depressed.

This morning was a different story. The nightmare was real. It was true. So lately BPD-borderline personality disorder has been ‘on my mind’ lately. When I was released from the hospital Tuesday on my discharge papers the doc put that I have BPD. Not sure how he would figure that out in just a 24-hour hold/observation period of time. maybe what is said, how I was acting, etc. anyhow, BPD has been on my mind bad, like it’s ME and who I am and the stigma, and the hate I have towards having that diagnosis.

My NP said me going to my Empact class weekly is probably setting me off, triggering me and the hate thoughts and the PTSD. I never thought of that. Empact is a suicide prevention organization locally run that helps people that have PTSD and want to kill themselves. I have to go thru this weekly class for 4 months before I receive (free) intensive PTSD trauma therapy with EMDR, DBT, etc. But they want you to have the class/the skills to ‘calm yourself down’ so that when they throw you into the trauma you have the coping skills to not walk away from the session and kill yourself. Fine. In this class you cannot talk about anything about your trauma. You cannot exchange phone #’s with other classmates. No trauma . nothing. Nothing to trigger others. So it’s like being trapped. You have to ‘listen’ to potential ‘trauma’ situations but not react necessarily and not give input. It’s tricky. But a great class. It’s all DBT-look that up if you do not know what it is. Basically, mindfulness, breathing techniques, understanding emotions, etc.

Well this class IS setting me off and I realized it when I awoke this a.m. –in tears-worry-fear-sense of despair. In my nightmare I twisted the class a bunch though. The facilitator was a mean older lady with white poofy hair. Once again, you could not talk about your trauma. But the weird part was that in the 3rd month after some of our ‘skills’ were taught we were going to have a class on ‘masturbation’. Ya, I said it, the “M” word lol. I immediately broke out in a sweat, telling myself I will not do this. I was worried. Etc. so I started to tear up (in the nightmare) in front of the other classmates. Knowing I could not verbalize what I was feeling, not to trigger anyone. No one else felt like me. Everyone seemed ‘normal’ and happy and a sense of like relief to be able to finally express themselves this way in front of the other classmates. I was confused, worried, scared, etc…all those scary ‘emotions’ that you can think of. My tearing up became sobbing, then a hard cry where you cannot catch your breath, you are snorting in your nose with the crying, that’s how hard you are crying. Others were looking at me like ‘she’s weird’ and that kind of thing. I knew that I could not do this task (not because it was a weird task) but because I have PTSD from being sexually abused when I was only 8 (in real life now, not the nightmare). I was having huge PTSD feelings, thoughts and just knew I could not perform this task. The facilitator immediately got upset with me and told me I was out of the group. She shunned me.
Then to one of the group members I had some sort of breakout/upset BPD yelling, screaming, accusing, rant to her. I cannot explain it in words, but it was a bad BPD-type blowout. Showing me (when I woke up) that the BPD thing I am feeling is real and really ruminating on whether or not I have it. In the nightmare I immediately changed my demeanor and (still sobbing) apologized profusely to the girl, not being able to say why I was crying because we could not share our ‘trauma’ but saying sorry. Not even sharing I have BPD. I told her that if I could explain why I did what I did she would undertstand, but since we cannot discuss anything in the class I could only apologize. My apology came across as shallow, fake, not even real. Nothing. I knew it in her body language. I was chastisized by the whole group-about 8 of them, including the facilitatory, and she was the meanest. Later in the nightmare the group ‘came around’ and wanted to stand by me, knowing whatever it was I was going thru was hard and not my fault. No matter what. They ‘tricked’ the facilitator up a long elevator ride with a couple of the members to a bit table where we were going to discuss ‘stuff’. The facilitator got out of the elevator and realized the group was rallied around me and showing her that they were sticking with me, no matter. They hoped she would have a change of heart and love me, accept me, and know what I was going through. She had choice words not at me (she would not look me in the eye-and I was still sobbing profusely throughout the whole nightmare-hard) but at the group, telling them basically NO and that if I was not wanting to participate in the required group activities I was a nothing, a pity, a shame, worthless. The group stood by me and the facilitator walked away. I felt horrible and happy at the same time, knowing the group members stood by me. Once again, I still could not talk about my feelings-knowing I agreed to “the code of silence”. But the members understood this and they accepted me, even the one I yelled hard at.

Ultimately I woke up (in real life now) depressed as all hell, wanting to cry, but so numb I just sat there. I called my husband (as he works graveyard night shift at the casino) but he did not answer his cell phone. I wanted to call my mom, but she is most of the reason for my abuse growing up. I have no one to talk to. No one. If I call ‘the crisis line’ and they think I’m suicidal they will immediately send someone out to come hospitalize me. I was just recently hospitalized on a 24 hour hold Mon/Tues this week. I do not want to go back. I am not feeling suicidal.

But I know that the one Prozosin pill she told me to take is “not enough” for sleep and nightmares to go away. This pill is supposed to be ‘great’ for sufferers of PTSD. She told me “take 1-2 at nighttime” and if one does not do the job, the next night take 2. I will do that tonight, definitely.

Amazing how a dream/nightmare can have your brain process what is REALLY going on with your fears, worries, anxiety, etc. basically your brain is ‘quiet’ enough without outside ‘noises’ when in sleep state to ‘process’ what you are really feeling/going through-or at least that’s my theory.
I am really wanting comments on this post, feedback. What do you think? Any insight? What about the BPD-I have many symptoms/signs of it, but am trying to ‘self-diagnose’not good. plese comment! any thoughts? thanks

had a major breakdown yesterday. started cutting my arm up.
went to the emergency room.
they transported me via ambulance to the psych hospital.
they kept me for 24 hour observation.
gave me Vistaril (anxiety) and a sleep medication.
Came home today.
I feel tons better, for no real apparent reason.
No reason for the breakdown yesterday.
The only difference this time is they diagnosed me with BPD-borderline personality disorder.
or so they think? I just dunno.
I am so sick of all these damn diagnoses, but I do, however, agree with me having BPD-all the symptoms are there.
So here I am. Back home.
Still depressed, but not as bad.
and relaxing.
with my cuppa coffee.
thanks for all your help when you come by here, comment, and give me support. I sure don’t have many others to rely on.
big hugs.
anyone know anything about BPD that I should know? sheesh, it’s always something…

let’s talk about friends

Posted: January 17, 2013 in friends

so i’ve never been very successful in the friends department. i have 3 friends total. one is 30 years old than me. she is nice, but not at all like me. nothing in common really. we are ‘coffee’ friends. the other is 10 years older than me. we’re really only friends because we’ve known each other for 20 years. the other friend i’ve known for about 6 years and we literally get together once a year for lunch. short, small talk.

well last september when I had my first ever hospitalization i got close with a nice gal, 32, from Germany. She’s been here in the US for 8 years. Her English is good. We got along great. supported each other throughout, and even after. exchanged #’s etc. I’m 41, btw. So our ages are closer than my other friends. well she has mental illness (bipolar) as well. I get that. But lately I’m feeling ‘blown off’ from her. We usually go to a support group meeting together, at least once a week (there are 2 of them to go to). We usually chose one and go together, well meet there. I texted her yesterday morning a HI. Nothing. This has been getting more and more common. No response. Ok fine. I try not take it personally, as she has tons of shit going on. I get that. I showed up last night at the meeting thinking she would not be there, because if she was going, obviously she’d text (in my head I’m thinking this) and say “are you going tonight?” well nothing. Then when she sees I show up she just plays it off like “been a while since we’ve talked. ” WTF? I think I put too much into friendships.

My husband said, blow it off. Dont’ worry about it. Go about my business. if she texts she texts. if she calls and wants to do something fine. He’s probably right. He says, we’ll, look where you met her. True dat.
I mean, making friends out of a mental ward? really?
but I’m mental too, so I figure I’m not feeling as much like an outcast when I make friends like ME who ‘get it”.

what’s your advice.
I’m nice.
genuine, on and on. I’ll be your best friend.
btw, i’ve never had a BFF 😦

Oh, and at Christmas I got each of her family member (her kids, her, hubby, mom) a very small xmas gift. she gave NOTHING to me or my family, not even a card. I get that, sorta. She’s poor and wanting to declare bankruptcy.
Then my bday was Dec 29 and she didn’t even do anything either. we i was in the hospital, so i get that too. But when she picked my up from the hospital to drive me home she didn’t say anything about my bday, nor even give a card. nothing. no acknowledgement of it.

it sucks.
why am I the nice one?
why do I have to text, call, act Like I care when these people never do?

thoughts? help!
I’m seriously going to give up in the friend-making department. I’m 41 with no true friends 😦

A passionate heart.

Posted: January 16, 2013 in Uncategorized

A passionate heart..

nice…

Posted: January 15, 2013 in depression, mental health

finally some relief from this depressive (year) episode.
I am on Lamictal now, I’m up to 50 mg. I have to cut the 100 mg in half, as the pharmacy does not sell the 50.
I’m on Lamictal and Lexapro (both generic) and it seems like once the hospital added the Lamictal I’ve been doing better.
I still have self harm thoughts daily but am no longer wanting to act on them.
My circumstances have not really changed. But for some reason I’m doing better.
Let’s hope this continues on the upswing.
I sure am wiped out of the depressive feelings.
I’ve been struggling mentally for a year (since last Jan).
Gets tiring being negative about everything.

Anywho, wanted to share.
I’m so glad I found a great group of bloggers that are dealing with the same issues, I don’t feel so alone.

niki