Archive for February, 2013

more about friends~

Posted: February 24, 2013 in depression, friends, mental health

why why why why do I chase down friends?

I posted last time about a friend that I have (or i think I do).

I’ve just met her in September last year.

We got very close very fast as friends. Did stuff together with the whole family. etc.

Now she is like non-existent. Never texts (first). Never calls. on and on. She is not MEAN, just distant. Whenever we talk it’s fine, no problems.

But she’s so damn passive aggressive. I think I attract these types of people.

So I decided to address it head on and send her a text. Basically stating “are we ok? hope it’s not something I did, and i hope we’re ok” or something like this.

WHY why why why do I always chase down friends. It’s like they leave in silence and I never know why they leave. People just don’t communicate anymore. they rather leave “quietly” thinking they won’t hurt your feelings that way.
Well with me it’s different because in my life I’ve had so much damn NEGLECT that it’s worse for me to be ignored and neglected than to be yelled at or told what I did /am doing wrong.

WTF? People make it very difficult for me to be their friend. Guess it’s my BPD????
Seems like WE as the mental health consumers always have to accept that it’s US making the problems and that everyone “normal” has their shit together and it’s not their problem. WTF?

input? advice?

good grief…Says Charlie Brown…

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still around

Posted: February 15, 2013 in friends

so i am still here.
not much to say lately.
weekly psych visits.
meds.
more meds.
work.
sleep.
cry.
repeat.
hope all is well with you guys 🙂

Yep, I have BPD, on top of my already:

SMI-serious mental illness diagnosis
PTSD
major depression
generalized anxiety disorder

ugh!
BPD is the diagnosis no one wants. I rather be bipolar *i think*
i just dunno.
damn damn damn

i was at my psychologist last week and asked ‘her opinion’ on what she thinks of me, diagnosis wise.
she said that i definitely have “borderline” in there.
ugh.

’nuff said.
words of encouragement? anyone? 😦

i’m taking a self-help DBT class that is set up specifically for BPD patients. however, this DBT is great for anyone with mental illness.

anywho, we learned recently that many people who have suffered trauma are ‘black and white’ thinkers. true. that’s me. no grey. or gray, however it’s spelled. lol.

so here is a fine example of my black and white thinking. this happened yesterday to me:

A story I want to share with you all.

The story of the black and white thinker.

I was in the drive-thru at Starbucks yesterday morning. Lots of cars in the drive thru. The line taking way too long. In front of me was an Infiniti car with a woman driving the car. Instantly I recognized the ‘nice car’. Not sure why. When she got to the window I noticed the employee handing all sorts of ‘goods’ out the window. I said out loud (to myself with my window rolled up) anything else? You should have gone in if you bought this much. Right as I said that she looked thru her side mirror to me and smiled. I instantly thought “is she reading my mind” heck!
I was kind of annoyed getting to the window, having to wait so long, and instantly blaming the gal in front of me with the nice car. I pulled out my credit card and waited for the employee to come to the window for my money. She said “the lady in front of you bought your breakfast today”. My heart sank. I thanked the employee and said ‘that was really nice’ but drove away feeling like a piece of crap. Instantly I knew god sent this woman and this incident for me as a learning lesson. Only I heard and knew what I said and was thinking. I am a black and white thinker, not getting the other side of the story before I judge, even if it’s just in my mind. A great lesson for me. But felt guilt most of the morning for thinking this way and worrying that if she really could read my mind I felt bad and that I sent her bad karma or something. A lesson in black and white thinking, by the survivor.