here with upset

Posted: June 3, 2013 in BPD, clinic doctor talk, depression, emotions, friends, mental health, SMI

Here to vent a little, cry a little inside, and complain a little. Bear with me…
Today was an awful day…

I am going to an art therapy program locally and this has only been going on for two months now. Well it was great at first, and now the “honeymoon” is over. This happens with ALL my relationships, maybe a BPD thing? Everyone was very welcoming, warm, friendly at the beginning. Today was very different.

Here is the usual scenario. I start around 9 a.m. when the center opens up. There are 2 girls that are ALWAYS there that are “peers”-meaning, they are SMI as well and have mental health issues. They are kind of volunteers “in charge” so to speak. They help you get supplies if you need them, find things, ask questions, etc. fine. They’ve been pretty good with me up til today.

Well a bit of background about this facility…A few “clients” who come to the center are more than mentally ill. They are a little “slow” and some have autism or other impairments, if you know what I mean. They aren’t “quick-witted” etc, no judgments here, just facts. There is a guy that comes…He is about 25. He comes twice a week with his “caregiver/caseworker” person. He does random paintings about whatever. Sometimes even with his hands. Not particularly “good” if you know what I mean.. Not bad. Just ‘there’. Once again, not judging, just stating this fact.

Well me starting two months ago I am not particularly good either. I do some work here and there. Some I am damn proud of however. I’ve been told by people outside the studio how they like my abstract art. Great. I have a sense of self worth coming back from this therapy. Well these 2 girls tend to make comments like “Ya, you know she is good, she does art like Andrew”-Ok, this is the guy that is mentally challenged. They are obviously cutting me down. Feeling horrible. Saying nothing, as I usually do.

You are allowed one canvas or board a week to paint. I got a larger one last week that I made and stretched myself. Finished the painting. This is a new week. I told the one gal I needed another canvas. She gave me this “hell no” look and then said “well you got one last week so I can give you a small one”. WTF? Ok, now I know my rights and the rules of the facility. I smiled, took the small one, and walked away, feeling horrible inside. In the past I’ve said stuff to these kinds of people. My BPD gets the better of me then I come off as a “bitch”. So I’ve learned to not say anything and be bullied. It’s an awful way. So in the end I would end up leaving. in the past. Not today. I stayed and enjoyed myself. Stayed quiet and to myself. The girls later in the day said “why are you so quiet”? WTF? give me a break. I smiled and kept working on my project.

Now, mind you, these girls have 5-6 projects at once they are working on and they are HUGE canvases, taking up tons of room on the tables. WTF? once again, blech. Bitches.

So I stayed until 2 p.m. then left. Feeling horrible, but I made it through.

Had my psych med appointment soon after that. The NP also made me feel awful. I think it was just “my day” for ripping. Long long story. but I felt awful leaving the center today. Basically the NP told me I should take Geodon. I told her I am awful on that stuff and gave her plenty of reasons I cannot take it or tolerate it. She said “I want you to try it again”. WHAT THE HELL!? These physicians do not even listen to me! or to us for that fact! lol.

I guess I just wanted to vent and say how UNHEARD I was today. Unloved. Made to feel like crap.

Tons more stories. Just tired of typing.

Bottom line, I felt totally BPD today 😦

Advertisements
Comments
  1. insomnimike says:

    i feel for what you are saying about therapists. I told my therapists hundreds of times half if not all of my meds were non-responsive and they ignored what I was saying, and just upped the dosage.. So I got to the point where I took like seven meds a day, all were doing absolutely nothing for me.. -sigh- but hope you feel better..

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s