Archive for the ‘BPD’ Category

Here to vent a little, cry a little inside, and complain a little. Bear with me…
Today was an awful day…

I am going to an art therapy program locally and this has only been going on for two months now. Well it was great at first, and now the “honeymoon” is over. This happens with ALL my relationships, maybe a BPD thing? Everyone was very welcoming, warm, friendly at the beginning. Today was very different.

Here is the usual scenario. I start around 9 a.m. when the center opens up. There are 2 girls that are ALWAYS there that are “peers”-meaning, they are SMI as well and have mental health issues. They are kind of volunteers “in charge” so to speak. They help you get supplies if you need them, find things, ask questions, etc. fine. They’ve been pretty good with me up til today.

Well a bit of background about this facility…A few “clients” who come to the center are more than mentally ill. They are a little “slow” and some have autism or other impairments, if you know what I mean. They aren’t “quick-witted” etc, no judgments here, just facts. There is a guy that comes…He is about 25. He comes twice a week with his “caregiver/caseworker” person. He does random paintings about whatever. Sometimes even with his hands. Not particularly “good” if you know what I mean.. Not bad. Just ‘there’. Once again, not judging, just stating this fact.

Well me starting two months ago I am not particularly good either. I do some work here and there. Some I am damn proud of however. I’ve been told by people outside the studio how they like my abstract art. Great. I have a sense of self worth coming back from this therapy. Well these 2 girls tend to make comments like “Ya, you know she is good, she does art like Andrew”-Ok, this is the guy that is mentally challenged. They are obviously cutting me down. Feeling horrible. Saying nothing, as I usually do.

You are allowed one canvas or board a week to paint. I got a larger one last week that I made and stretched myself. Finished the painting. This is a new week. I told the one gal I needed another canvas. She gave me this “hell no” look and then said “well you got one last week so I can give you a small one”. WTF? Ok, now I know my rights and the rules of the facility. I smiled, took the small one, and walked away, feeling horrible inside. In the past I’ve said stuff to these kinds of people. My BPD gets the better of me then I come off as a “bitch”. So I’ve learned to not say anything and be bullied. It’s an awful way. So in the end I would end up leaving. in the past. Not today. I stayed and enjoyed myself. Stayed quiet and to myself. The girls later in the day said “why are you so quiet”? WTF? give me a break. I smiled and kept working on my project.

Now, mind you, these girls have 5-6 projects at once they are working on and they are HUGE canvases, taking up tons of room on the tables. WTF? once again, blech. Bitches.

So I stayed until 2 p.m. then left. Feeling horrible, but I made it through.

Had my psych med appointment soon after that. The NP also made me feel awful. I think it was just “my day” for ripping. Long long story. but I felt awful leaving the center today. Basically the NP told me I should take Geodon. I told her I am awful on that stuff and gave her plenty of reasons I cannot take it or tolerate it. She said “I want you to try it again”. WHAT THE HELL!? These physicians do not even listen to me! or to us for that fact! lol.

I guess I just wanted to vent and say how UNHEARD I was today. Unloved. Made to feel like crap.

Tons more stories. Just tired of typing.

Bottom line, I felt totally BPD today 😦

Been a while since I’ve made a post. I am still here. Just silent lately.
My BPD has been in full force lately.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the ‘past’ and my issues.
I have started trauma therapy, but the therapist thinks I am not stable enough yet to start EMDR. I’ve told her about my recent homicidal thoughts about my perpetrator.
I want to be completely honest with her, but on the other hand, I just want to start the EMDR. I only have 24 sessions total (free) with her to work things out. I don’t want to lie, then again, Might have to to get the ball rolling.
I’m always feeling suicidal, having the thoughts.
Life has gotten stressful the last 2 weeks because the 2 little ones (10 and 12) are out of school for the summer.
I’m not working anymore and take care of them all the time.
Still waiting to hear when my social security hearing is…at least another 6 months I imagine. 😦
Taking my pills.
Trying to get sleep.
Eating right has been a challenge.
I hope you are all coping OK. Have a nice weekend.
Comment please if you are around, reading. I never know if I’m writing to anyone??
~niki ❤

I am now seeing a trauma counselor for EMDR hopefully .
Today and next wk is the intake appt.
After that we will create goals and she and I will decide how we will meet these goals. What will be best .
I’m hoping for EMDR.
I hear this therapy works wonders.
I’ve been getting bad flashbacks lately.
I’m disassociating a lot lately.
Zoning out.
Daydreaming, but it’s a nightmare daydream, not a dream dream. if that makes sense.
thank you all for your comments and following 🙂
I’m still here, not working now.
My psycholigist says it’s not good for me to work right now, as I might regress if I keep working.
I’m trying very hard on my recovery.
Trying to stay out of the hospital.
big hugs to you, my friends xo

Yep, I have BPD, on top of my already:

SMI-serious mental illness diagnosis
PTSD
major depression
generalized anxiety disorder

ugh!
BPD is the diagnosis no one wants. I rather be bipolar *i think*
i just dunno.
damn damn damn

i was at my psychologist last week and asked ‘her opinion’ on what she thinks of me, diagnosis wise.
she said that i definitely have “borderline” in there.
ugh.

’nuff said.
words of encouragement? anyone? 😦

i’m taking a self-help DBT class that is set up specifically for BPD patients. however, this DBT is great for anyone with mental illness.

anywho, we learned recently that many people who have suffered trauma are ‘black and white’ thinkers. true. that’s me. no grey. or gray, however it’s spelled. lol.

so here is a fine example of my black and white thinking. this happened yesterday to me:

A story I want to share with you all.

The story of the black and white thinker.

I was in the drive-thru at Starbucks yesterday morning. Lots of cars in the drive thru. The line taking way too long. In front of me was an Infiniti car with a woman driving the car. Instantly I recognized the ‘nice car’. Not sure why. When she got to the window I noticed the employee handing all sorts of ‘goods’ out the window. I said out loud (to myself with my window rolled up) anything else? You should have gone in if you bought this much. Right as I said that she looked thru her side mirror to me and smiled. I instantly thought “is she reading my mind” heck!
I was kind of annoyed getting to the window, having to wait so long, and instantly blaming the gal in front of me with the nice car. I pulled out my credit card and waited for the employee to come to the window for my money. She said “the lady in front of you bought your breakfast today”. My heart sank. I thanked the employee and said ‘that was really nice’ but drove away feeling like a piece of crap. Instantly I knew god sent this woman and this incident for me as a learning lesson. Only I heard and knew what I said and was thinking. I am a black and white thinker, not getting the other side of the story before I judge, even if it’s just in my mind. A great lesson for me. But felt guilt most of the morning for thinking this way and worrying that if she really could read my mind I felt bad and that I sent her bad karma or something. A lesson in black and white thinking, by the survivor.

My NP told me to take 1 Prozosin (new pill) for sleep and my PTSD bad nightmares.
And if 1 is not enough to up it to 2 at bedtime.-I saw her yesterday for my hospitalization follow up and more medications. I was in the hospital (again) for a 24 hour hold. I wanted to kill myself last Saturday to Monday. By Monday I went in.

Well the first night was last night. One is not enough. (of taking the Prozosin). This pill is for sleep and my PTSD/nightmares.

Horrible nightmare last night, not necessarily of the PTSD, but knowing now that my nightmares are definitely bothering my day when I wake up-my depression is awful when I get up and I never recall my nightmares to know why I am so depressed.

This morning was a different story. The nightmare was real. It was true. So lately BPD-borderline personality disorder has been ‘on my mind’ lately. When I was released from the hospital Tuesday on my discharge papers the doc put that I have BPD. Not sure how he would figure that out in just a 24-hour hold/observation period of time. maybe what is said, how I was acting, etc. anyhow, BPD has been on my mind bad, like it’s ME and who I am and the stigma, and the hate I have towards having that diagnosis.

My NP said me going to my Empact class weekly is probably setting me off, triggering me and the hate thoughts and the PTSD. I never thought of that. Empact is a suicide prevention organization locally run that helps people that have PTSD and want to kill themselves. I have to go thru this weekly class for 4 months before I receive (free) intensive PTSD trauma therapy with EMDR, DBT, etc. But they want you to have the class/the skills to ‘calm yourself down’ so that when they throw you into the trauma you have the coping skills to not walk away from the session and kill yourself. Fine. In this class you cannot talk about anything about your trauma. You cannot exchange phone #’s with other classmates. No trauma . nothing. Nothing to trigger others. So it’s like being trapped. You have to ‘listen’ to potential ‘trauma’ situations but not react necessarily and not give input. It’s tricky. But a great class. It’s all DBT-look that up if you do not know what it is. Basically, mindfulness, breathing techniques, understanding emotions, etc.

Well this class IS setting me off and I realized it when I awoke this a.m. –in tears-worry-fear-sense of despair. In my nightmare I twisted the class a bunch though. The facilitator was a mean older lady with white poofy hair. Once again, you could not talk about your trauma. But the weird part was that in the 3rd month after some of our ‘skills’ were taught we were going to have a class on ‘masturbation’. Ya, I said it, the “M” word lol. I immediately broke out in a sweat, telling myself I will not do this. I was worried. Etc. so I started to tear up (in the nightmare) in front of the other classmates. Knowing I could not verbalize what I was feeling, not to trigger anyone. No one else felt like me. Everyone seemed ‘normal’ and happy and a sense of like relief to be able to finally express themselves this way in front of the other classmates. I was confused, worried, scared, etc…all those scary ‘emotions’ that you can think of. My tearing up became sobbing, then a hard cry where you cannot catch your breath, you are snorting in your nose with the crying, that’s how hard you are crying. Others were looking at me like ‘she’s weird’ and that kind of thing. I knew that I could not do this task (not because it was a weird task) but because I have PTSD from being sexually abused when I was only 8 (in real life now, not the nightmare). I was having huge PTSD feelings, thoughts and just knew I could not perform this task. The facilitator immediately got upset with me and told me I was out of the group. She shunned me.
Then to one of the group members I had some sort of breakout/upset BPD yelling, screaming, accusing, rant to her. I cannot explain it in words, but it was a bad BPD-type blowout. Showing me (when I woke up) that the BPD thing I am feeling is real and really ruminating on whether or not I have it. In the nightmare I immediately changed my demeanor and (still sobbing) apologized profusely to the girl, not being able to say why I was crying because we could not share our ‘trauma’ but saying sorry. Not even sharing I have BPD. I told her that if I could explain why I did what I did she would undertstand, but since we cannot discuss anything in the class I could only apologize. My apology came across as shallow, fake, not even real. Nothing. I knew it in her body language. I was chastisized by the whole group-about 8 of them, including the facilitatory, and she was the meanest. Later in the nightmare the group ‘came around’ and wanted to stand by me, knowing whatever it was I was going thru was hard and not my fault. No matter what. They ‘tricked’ the facilitator up a long elevator ride with a couple of the members to a bit table where we were going to discuss ‘stuff’. The facilitator got out of the elevator and realized the group was rallied around me and showing her that they were sticking with me, no matter. They hoped she would have a change of heart and love me, accept me, and know what I was going through. She had choice words not at me (she would not look me in the eye-and I was still sobbing profusely throughout the whole nightmare-hard) but at the group, telling them basically NO and that if I was not wanting to participate in the required group activities I was a nothing, a pity, a shame, worthless. The group stood by me and the facilitator walked away. I felt horrible and happy at the same time, knowing the group members stood by me. Once again, I still could not talk about my feelings-knowing I agreed to “the code of silence”. But the members understood this and they accepted me, even the one I yelled hard at.

Ultimately I woke up (in real life now) depressed as all hell, wanting to cry, but so numb I just sat there. I called my husband (as he works graveyard night shift at the casino) but he did not answer his cell phone. I wanted to call my mom, but she is most of the reason for my abuse growing up. I have no one to talk to. No one. If I call ‘the crisis line’ and they think I’m suicidal they will immediately send someone out to come hospitalize me. I was just recently hospitalized on a 24 hour hold Mon/Tues this week. I do not want to go back. I am not feeling suicidal.

But I know that the one Prozosin pill she told me to take is “not enough” for sleep and nightmares to go away. This pill is supposed to be ‘great’ for sufferers of PTSD. She told me “take 1-2 at nighttime” and if one does not do the job, the next night take 2. I will do that tonight, definitely.

Amazing how a dream/nightmare can have your brain process what is REALLY going on with your fears, worries, anxiety, etc. basically your brain is ‘quiet’ enough without outside ‘noises’ when in sleep state to ‘process’ what you are really feeling/going through-or at least that’s my theory.
I am really wanting comments on this post, feedback. What do you think? Any insight? What about the BPD-I have many symptoms/signs of it, but am trying to ‘self-diagnose’not good. plese comment! any thoughts? thanks

had a major breakdown yesterday. started cutting my arm up.
went to the emergency room.
they transported me via ambulance to the psych hospital.
they kept me for 24 hour observation.
gave me Vistaril (anxiety) and a sleep medication.
Came home today.
I feel tons better, for no real apparent reason.
No reason for the breakdown yesterday.
The only difference this time is they diagnosed me with BPD-borderline personality disorder.
or so they think? I just dunno.
I am so sick of all these damn diagnoses, but I do, however, agree with me having BPD-all the symptoms are there.
So here I am. Back home.
Still depressed, but not as bad.
and relaxing.
with my cuppa coffee.
thanks for all your help when you come by here, comment, and give me support. I sure don’t have many others to rely on.
big hugs.
anyone know anything about BPD that I should know? sheesh, it’s always something…