Archive for the ‘emotions’ Category

Here to vent a little, cry a little inside, and complain a little. Bear with me…
Today was an awful day…

I am going to an art therapy program locally and this has only been going on for two months now. Well it was great at first, and now the “honeymoon” is over. This happens with ALL my relationships, maybe a BPD thing? Everyone was very welcoming, warm, friendly at the beginning. Today was very different.

Here is the usual scenario. I start around 9 a.m. when the center opens up. There are 2 girls that are ALWAYS there that are “peers”-meaning, they are SMI as well and have mental health issues. They are kind of volunteers “in charge” so to speak. They help you get supplies if you need them, find things, ask questions, etc. fine. They’ve been pretty good with me up til today.

Well a bit of background about this facility…A few “clients” who come to the center are more than mentally ill. They are a little “slow” and some have autism or other impairments, if you know what I mean. They aren’t “quick-witted” etc, no judgments here, just facts. There is a guy that comes…He is about 25. He comes twice a week with his “caregiver/caseworker” person. He does random paintings about whatever. Sometimes even with his hands. Not particularly “good” if you know what I mean.. Not bad. Just ‘there’. Once again, not judging, just stating this fact.

Well me starting two months ago I am not particularly good either. I do some work here and there. Some I am damn proud of however. I’ve been told by people outside the studio how they like my abstract art. Great. I have a sense of self worth coming back from this therapy. Well these 2 girls tend to make comments like “Ya, you know she is good, she does art like Andrew”-Ok, this is the guy that is mentally challenged. They are obviously cutting me down. Feeling horrible. Saying nothing, as I usually do.

You are allowed one canvas or board a week to paint. I got a larger one last week that I made and stretched myself. Finished the painting. This is a new week. I told the one gal I needed another canvas. She gave me this “hell no” look and then said “well you got one last week so I can give you a small one”. WTF? Ok, now I know my rights and the rules of the facility. I smiled, took the small one, and walked away, feeling horrible inside. In the past I’ve said stuff to these kinds of people. My BPD gets the better of me then I come off as a “bitch”. So I’ve learned to not say anything and be bullied. It’s an awful way. So in the end I would end up leaving. in the past. Not today. I stayed and enjoyed myself. Stayed quiet and to myself. The girls later in the day said “why are you so quiet”? WTF? give me a break. I smiled and kept working on my project.

Now, mind you, these girls have 5-6 projects at once they are working on and they are HUGE canvases, taking up tons of room on the tables. WTF? once again, blech. Bitches.

So I stayed until 2 p.m. then left. Feeling horrible, but I made it through.

Had my psych med appointment soon after that. The NP also made me feel awful. I think it was just “my day” for ripping. Long long story. but I felt awful leaving the center today. Basically the NP told me I should take Geodon. I told her I am awful on that stuff and gave her plenty of reasons I cannot take it or tolerate it. She said “I want you to try it again”. WHAT THE HELL!? These physicians do not even listen to me! or to us for that fact! lol.

I guess I just wanted to vent and say how UNHEARD I was today. Unloved. Made to feel like crap.

Tons more stories. Just tired of typing.

Bottom line, I felt totally BPD today 😦


Been a while since I’ve made a post. I am still here. Just silent lately.
My BPD has been in full force lately.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the ‘past’ and my issues.
I have started trauma therapy, but the therapist thinks I am not stable enough yet to start EMDR. I’ve told her about my recent homicidal thoughts about my perpetrator.
I want to be completely honest with her, but on the other hand, I just want to start the EMDR. I only have 24 sessions total (free) with her to work things out. I don’t want to lie, then again, Might have to to get the ball rolling.
I’m always feeling suicidal, having the thoughts.
Life has gotten stressful the last 2 weeks because the 2 little ones (10 and 12) are out of school for the summer.
I’m not working anymore and take care of them all the time.
Still waiting to hear when my social security hearing is…at least another 6 months I imagine. 😦
Taking my pills.
Trying to get sleep.
Eating right has been a challenge.
I hope you are all coping OK. Have a nice weekend.
Comment please if you are around, reading. I never know if I’m writing to anyone??
~niki ❤

tackling the systems

Posted: April 17, 2013 in depression, emotions, off topic

you know what this post is about.
fighting the systems in your country.
begging for benefits.
begging for help.
wanting what is yours.
what is right.
so today i was on the phone (first for an hour on hold). next another hour. just to see if i qualify for nutrition assistance.
now, mind you…
i am no longer working.
my husband is working. makes measley (sp?) wages.
2 kids we feed at home.
one who is autistic, disabled himself.
so after 2 hours. we do not qualify.
what a waste of time. i want my 2 hours back to my life. lol.
never again!
i’m so frustrated with these systems.
why why why!
if i could work i surely would.
these systems are more of a hassle than working! sheesh!

I am now seeing a trauma counselor for EMDR hopefully .
Today and next wk is the intake appt.
After that we will create goals and she and I will decide how we will meet these goals. What will be best .
I’m hoping for EMDR.
I hear this therapy works wonders.
I’ve been getting bad flashbacks lately.
I’m disassociating a lot lately.
Zoning out.
Daydreaming, but it’s a nightmare daydream, not a dream dream. if that makes sense.
thank you all for your comments and following 🙂
I’m still here, not working now.
My psycholigist says it’s not good for me to work right now, as I might regress if I keep working.
I’m trying very hard on my recovery.
Trying to stay out of the hospital.
big hugs to you, my friends xo

not surprising, considering my life has been pretty down.
i hate to just come here and bitch about life.
we all have our good days and bad days.
lately mine have been more bad than good.
so i got denied (a second time) with social security benefits (USA). Basically the government is denying that I am disabled and denying they have to pay anything to help me out.
so i appealed once again, with my attorney, and will probably have to wait another YEAR! to get a hearing in front of a court judge. this process in the U.S. is unbearable!
I went to my psych the other day and i was just balling, crying my eyes out.
she said i am unable to work and should stop working. currently i am very p/t from home doing medical transcription.
i agreed with her.
working makes me more ill.
more sick.
more stressed.
on and on.
not sure how we will live on just my husband’s income.
someone we will figure it out. not sure.
just wanted to post and let you know i am still here, just distant. i’ve been isolating a lot lately. bad, i know…

i have weight issues.
big issues.
meds make me fatter and fatter.
no, i’m not that ‘skinny’ girl that says ‘oh shit, i’ve gained 10 pounds’.
i weighed in at my general doc yesterday at 263!
My highest recorded weight EVER!
Just last year I was 240.
Before that I remember getting down to 222.
Well in 2011 I was not medicated at all for my mental health. was losing weight rapidly.
now look at me.
263. WTF?
i’m pissed.
i’m angry.
i’m sad.
i’m even MORE depressed now.

i try not to listen to those that say ‘just exercise’. WTF! I’ve been walking for about 6 months now, at least 3-4 times a week, faithfully.
no, my eating is not ‘perfect’.
but IMO, let’s face it, psych meds make you gain weight. period.

with my ‘clinic’ i’m in for my mental health they had me join this ‘wellness program’ for my workouts, weight control, nutrition classes, the list goes on.
all free, because i’m C-R-A-Z-Y. lol.

i have a love/hate relationship with my brain.

seriously woke up crying hard this morning from the depression being brought on by my frickin weight.

do you suffer?
what do you do?
so i’m going back to the psych doc to get more meds, different meds, and play the med game, once again.