Archive for the ‘friends’ Category

Here to vent a little, cry a little inside, and complain a little. Bear with me…
Today was an awful day…

I am going to an art therapy program locally and this has only been going on for two months now. Well it was great at first, and now the “honeymoon” is over. This happens with ALL my relationships, maybe a BPD thing? Everyone was very welcoming, warm, friendly at the beginning. Today was very different.

Here is the usual scenario. I start around 9 a.m. when the center opens up. There are 2 girls that are ALWAYS there that are “peers”-meaning, they are SMI as well and have mental health issues. They are kind of volunteers “in charge” so to speak. They help you get supplies if you need them, find things, ask questions, etc. fine. They’ve been pretty good with me up til today.

Well a bit of background about this facility…A few “clients” who come to the center are more than mentally ill. They are a little “slow” and some have autism or other impairments, if you know what I mean. They aren’t “quick-witted” etc, no judgments here, just facts. There is a guy that comes…He is about 25. He comes twice a week with his “caregiver/caseworker” person. He does random paintings about whatever. Sometimes even with his hands. Not particularly “good” if you know what I mean.. Not bad. Just ‘there’. Once again, not judging, just stating this fact.

Well me starting two months ago I am not particularly good either. I do some work here and there. Some I am damn proud of however. I’ve been told by people outside the studio how they like my abstract art. Great. I have a sense of self worth coming back from this therapy. Well these 2 girls tend to make comments like “Ya, you know she is good, she does art like Andrew”-Ok, this is the guy that is mentally challenged. They are obviously cutting me down. Feeling horrible. Saying nothing, as I usually do.

You are allowed one canvas or board a week to paint. I got a larger one last week that I made and stretched myself. Finished the painting. This is a new week. I told the one gal I needed another canvas. She gave me this “hell no” look and then said “well you got one last week so I can give you a small one”. WTF? Ok, now I know my rights and the rules of the facility. I smiled, took the small one, and walked away, feeling horrible inside. In the past I’ve said stuff to these kinds of people. My BPD gets the better of me then I come off as a “bitch”. So I’ve learned to not say anything and be bullied. It’s an awful way. So in the end I would end up leaving. in the past. Not today. I stayed and enjoyed myself. Stayed quiet and to myself. The girls later in the day said “why are you so quiet”? WTF? give me a break. I smiled and kept working on my project.

Now, mind you, these girls have 5-6 projects at once they are working on and they are HUGE canvases, taking up tons of room on the tables. WTF? once again, blech. Bitches.

So I stayed until 2 p.m. then left. Feeling horrible, but I made it through.

Had my psych med appointment soon after that. The NP also made me feel awful. I think it was just “my day” for ripping. Long long story. but I felt awful leaving the center today. Basically the NP told me I should take Geodon. I told her I am awful on that stuff and gave her plenty of reasons I cannot take it or tolerate it. She said “I want you to try it again”. WHAT THE HELL!? These physicians do not even listen to me! or to us for that fact! lol.

I guess I just wanted to vent and say how UNHEARD I was today. Unloved. Made to feel like crap.

Tons more stories. Just tired of typing.

Bottom line, I felt totally BPD today 😦

I am now seeing a trauma counselor for EMDR hopefully .
Today and next wk is the intake appt.
After that we will create goals and she and I will decide how we will meet these goals. What will be best .
I’m hoping for EMDR.
I hear this therapy works wonders.
I’ve been getting bad flashbacks lately.
I’m disassociating a lot lately.
Zoning out.
Daydreaming, but it’s a nightmare daydream, not a dream dream. if that makes sense.
thank you all for your comments and following 🙂
I’m still here, not working now.
My psycholigist says it’s not good for me to work right now, as I might regress if I keep working.
I’m trying very hard on my recovery.
Trying to stay out of the hospital.
big hugs to you, my friends xo

more about friends~

Posted: February 24, 2013 in depression, friends, mental health

why why why why do I chase down friends?

I posted last time about a friend that I have (or i think I do).

I’ve just met her in September last year.

We got very close very fast as friends. Did stuff together with the whole family. etc.

Now she is like non-existent. Never texts (first). Never calls. on and on. She is not MEAN, just distant. Whenever we talk it’s fine, no problems.

But she’s so damn passive aggressive. I think I attract these types of people.

So I decided to address it head on and send her a text. Basically stating “are we ok? hope it’s not something I did, and i hope we’re ok” or something like this.

WHY why why why do I always chase down friends. It’s like they leave in silence and I never know why they leave. People just don’t communicate anymore. they rather leave “quietly” thinking they won’t hurt your feelings that way.
Well with me it’s different because in my life I’ve had so much damn NEGLECT that it’s worse for me to be ignored and neglected than to be yelled at or told what I did /am doing wrong.

WTF? People make it very difficult for me to be their friend. Guess it’s my BPD????
Seems like WE as the mental health consumers always have to accept that it’s US making the problems and that everyone “normal” has their shit together and it’s not their problem. WTF?

input? advice?

good grief…Says Charlie Brown…

still around

Posted: February 15, 2013 in friends

so i am still here.
not much to say lately.
weekly psych visits.
meds.
more meds.
work.
sleep.
cry.
repeat.
hope all is well with you guys 🙂

let’s talk about friends

Posted: January 17, 2013 in friends

so i’ve never been very successful in the friends department. i have 3 friends total. one is 30 years old than me. she is nice, but not at all like me. nothing in common really. we are ‘coffee’ friends. the other is 10 years older than me. we’re really only friends because we’ve known each other for 20 years. the other friend i’ve known for about 6 years and we literally get together once a year for lunch. short, small talk.

well last september when I had my first ever hospitalization i got close with a nice gal, 32, from Germany. She’s been here in the US for 8 years. Her English is good. We got along great. supported each other throughout, and even after. exchanged #’s etc. I’m 41, btw. So our ages are closer than my other friends. well she has mental illness (bipolar) as well. I get that. But lately I’m feeling ‘blown off’ from her. We usually go to a support group meeting together, at least once a week (there are 2 of them to go to). We usually chose one and go together, well meet there. I texted her yesterday morning a HI. Nothing. This has been getting more and more common. No response. Ok fine. I try not take it personally, as she has tons of shit going on. I get that. I showed up last night at the meeting thinking she would not be there, because if she was going, obviously she’d text (in my head I’m thinking this) and say “are you going tonight?” well nothing. Then when she sees I show up she just plays it off like “been a while since we’ve talked. ” WTF? I think I put too much into friendships.

My husband said, blow it off. Dont’ worry about it. Go about my business. if she texts she texts. if she calls and wants to do something fine. He’s probably right. He says, we’ll, look where you met her. True dat.
I mean, making friends out of a mental ward? really?
but I’m mental too, so I figure I’m not feeling as much like an outcast when I make friends like ME who ‘get it”.

what’s your advice.
I’m nice.
genuine, on and on. I’ll be your best friend.
btw, i’ve never had a BFF 😦

Oh, and at Christmas I got each of her family member (her kids, her, hubby, mom) a very small xmas gift. she gave NOTHING to me or my family, not even a card. I get that, sorta. She’s poor and wanting to declare bankruptcy.
Then my bday was Dec 29 and she didn’t even do anything either. we i was in the hospital, so i get that too. But when she picked my up from the hospital to drive me home she didn’t say anything about my bday, nor even give a card. nothing. no acknowledgement of it.

it sucks.
why am I the nice one?
why do I have to text, call, act Like I care when these people never do?

thoughts? help!
I’m seriously going to give up in the friend-making department. I’m 41 with no true friends 😦

well i am with a clinic for my SMI issues.  here in arizona (USA) if you are deemed SMI (seriously mentally ill) you get your meds paid for.  If you are low income you can get wraparound services, like counseling and the like. Last summer the government in AZ added some services for people that are not as low of income. Now just a side note, I am definitely LOW income, but  I am right on the borderline, i’m on the high of poor, so I don’t qualify.  So last summer they added some fun services for SMI like myself.  So for instance, Monday I went to a Yoga class that is held every Monday.  Today is art.-an open art class that they just have fun for 2 hours.  There are movies one day, other things like that. I really need to get myself out and be more social. I isolate pretty bad when my moods are low.  Enough about that.

Are you doing anything fun this weekend?  Saturday I have to take my daughter to her soccer game.  Then in the afternoon we are celebrating her 10th birthday here at home (her bday is actually Tues the 15th).  Other than that, not much going on.

I’m an avid crocheter, and have been making scarves and hats for the homeless population in Ohio.

I enjoy odds and ends activities to keep my mind off my mental health situation.

have a great weekend!

an award !

Posted: January 6, 2013 in friends

I’ve been awarded the Shine On award already! My blog here just started a couple weeks ago. I’m so happy I’m getting recognized!

The Shine On Award requires you to nominate other blogs To Enjoy Posting this Award on Their Own Blogs

Here are a few I really enjoy:

Minted Moose (the one who gave me the award!)

My Crazy Bipolar Life

Mentally Going Backwards

There are a slew other great ones about mental health, but I’ve just started this blog journey.

Thanks again Moose!wpid-shine-on-award