Archive for the ‘SMI’ Category

Here to vent a little, cry a little inside, and complain a little. Bear with me…
Today was an awful day…

I am going to an art therapy program locally and this has only been going on for two months now. Well it was great at first, and now the “honeymoon” is over. This happens with ALL my relationships, maybe a BPD thing? Everyone was very welcoming, warm, friendly at the beginning. Today was very different.

Here is the usual scenario. I start around 9 a.m. when the center opens up. There are 2 girls that are ALWAYS there that are “peers”-meaning, they are SMI as well and have mental health issues. They are kind of volunteers “in charge” so to speak. They help you get supplies if you need them, find things, ask questions, etc. fine. They’ve been pretty good with me up til today.

Well a bit of background about this facility…A few “clients” who come to the center are more than mentally ill. They are a little “slow” and some have autism or other impairments, if you know what I mean. They aren’t “quick-witted” etc, no judgments here, just facts. There is a guy that comes…He is about 25. He comes twice a week with his “caregiver/caseworker” person. He does random paintings about whatever. Sometimes even with his hands. Not particularly “good” if you know what I mean.. Not bad. Just ‘there’. Once again, not judging, just stating this fact.

Well me starting two months ago I am not particularly good either. I do some work here and there. Some I am damn proud of however. I’ve been told by people outside the studio how they like my abstract art. Great. I have a sense of self worth coming back from this therapy. Well these 2 girls tend to make comments like “Ya, you know she is good, she does art like Andrew”-Ok, this is the guy that is mentally challenged. They are obviously cutting me down. Feeling horrible. Saying nothing, as I usually do.

You are allowed one canvas or board a week to paint. I got a larger one last week that I made and stretched myself. Finished the painting. This is a new week. I told the one gal I needed another canvas. She gave me this “hell no” look and then said “well you got one last week so I can give you a small one”. WTF? Ok, now I know my rights and the rules of the facility. I smiled, took the small one, and walked away, feeling horrible inside. In the past I’ve said stuff to these kinds of people. My BPD gets the better of me then I come off as a “bitch”. So I’ve learned to not say anything and be bullied. It’s an awful way. So in the end I would end up leaving. in the past. Not today. I stayed and enjoyed myself. Stayed quiet and to myself. The girls later in the day said “why are you so quiet”? WTF? give me a break. I smiled and kept working on my project.

Now, mind you, these girls have 5-6 projects at once they are working on and they are HUGE canvases, taking up tons of room on the tables. WTF? once again, blech. Bitches.

So I stayed until 2 p.m. then left. Feeling horrible, but I made it through.

Had my psych med appointment soon after that. The NP also made me feel awful. I think it was just “my day” for ripping. Long long story. but I felt awful leaving the center today. Basically the NP told me I should take Geodon. I told her I am awful on that stuff and gave her plenty of reasons I cannot take it or tolerate it. She said “I want you to try it again”. WHAT THE HELL!? These physicians do not even listen to me! or to us for that fact! lol.

I guess I just wanted to vent and say how UNHEARD I was today. Unloved. Made to feel like crap.

Tons more stories. Just tired of typing.

Bottom line, I felt totally BPD today 😦


Been a while since I’ve made a post. I am still here. Just silent lately.
My BPD has been in full force lately.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the ‘past’ and my issues.
I have started trauma therapy, but the therapist thinks I am not stable enough yet to start EMDR. I’ve told her about my recent homicidal thoughts about my perpetrator.
I want to be completely honest with her, but on the other hand, I just want to start the EMDR. I only have 24 sessions total (free) with her to work things out. I don’t want to lie, then again, Might have to to get the ball rolling.
I’m always feeling suicidal, having the thoughts.
Life has gotten stressful the last 2 weeks because the 2 little ones (10 and 12) are out of school for the summer.
I’m not working anymore and take care of them all the time.
Still waiting to hear when my social security hearing is…at least another 6 months I imagine. 😦
Taking my pills.
Trying to get sleep.
Eating right has been a challenge.
I hope you are all coping OK. Have a nice weekend.
Comment please if you are around, reading. I never know if I’m writing to anyone??
~niki ❤

Yep, I have BPD, on top of my already:

SMI-serious mental illness diagnosis
major depression
generalized anxiety disorder

BPD is the diagnosis no one wants. I rather be bipolar *i think*
i just dunno.
damn damn damn

i was at my psychologist last week and asked ‘her opinion’ on what she thinks of me, diagnosis wise.
she said that i definitely have “borderline” in there.

’nuff said.
words of encouragement? anyone? 😦

well i am with a clinic for my SMI issues.  here in arizona (USA) if you are deemed SMI (seriously mentally ill) you get your meds paid for.  If you are low income you can get wraparound services, like counseling and the like. Last summer the government in AZ added some services for people that are not as low of income. Now just a side note, I am definitely LOW income, but  I am right on the borderline, i’m on the high of poor, so I don’t qualify.  So last summer they added some fun services for SMI like myself.  So for instance, Monday I went to a Yoga class that is held every Monday.  Today is art.-an open art class that they just have fun for 2 hours.  There are movies one day, other things like that. I really need to get myself out and be more social. I isolate pretty bad when my moods are low.  Enough about that.

Are you doing anything fun this weekend?  Saturday I have to take my daughter to her soccer game.  Then in the afternoon we are celebrating her 10th birthday here at home (her bday is actually Tues the 15th).  Other than that, not much going on.

I’m an avid crocheter, and have been making scarves and hats for the homeless population in Ohio.

I enjoy odds and ends activities to keep my mind off my mental health situation.

have a great weekend!



this one’s for you! lol.

i promised a rambling awkward post. and here i go.

i’ve felt like crap all day.

i had my follow up appointment with my doctor from my hospital stay over New Year’s.


So I am with a ‘clinic’ to help me with my ‘issues’, SMI, etc.


I’ve been going there since April last year.

well without going into all the detail, i will just tell you all this clinic is INCOMPETENT!

i get so sick of people who don’t know their jobs, know what they are doing, and i am the one who pays for it.

among other problems with this clinic today, the one big one bothered me was that i checked in at the front desk and apparently the receptionist never let my nurse practitioner know i was there.  i sat there for 20 minutes over my appt time wondering what the hell is going on!?

she told me they never told i was there.

you know, i’m frickin’ mental, i cannot handle these situations lightly.

i sat there today and did nothing. wanted to just cry.

my face was so red when i entered her office. she said ‘you look upset’. whatever.

i didn’t go into it.

i think i’m losing my edge lately.

i’m so tired of arguing, fighting my point, and i feel like my insides and outsides are just giving up.

well i had the appt. upped my lamictal to 50 mg and i’m still on the lexapro and the ambien for nighttime. she discontinued the effexor (that the hospital already did) and the seroquel. yes it causes weight gain, which i do not need any more of, thank you.

i’ve not been suicidal lately. my nurse practitioner asked me that today.

i told her i just don’t want to live and don’t see the point of this whole damn life anyways.

wake up. work. eat. sleep. repeat. WTF?


oh, and i’m getting horrible headaches lately. gotta love side effects.

how are you all doing?


Posted: December 26, 2012 in depression, mental health, SMI

talk to me about cutting.

being a cutter.

why did it start. 

what was the mindset.

how did it happen?

how old you were the first time?

i will be 41 on the 29th of this month and why in the last month has that all i’ve been thinking about. never cut before in my life. i don’t want to kill myself necessarily.  i just want pain gone . i’m thinking this might be a good release. i know logically it does not work to get rid of pain.

please tell me.

help me.

inform me.

no judgements please. i am suffering lately.

call into radio

Posted: December 21, 2012 in mental health, SMI

i called the local a.m. talk radio show this morning to weigh in on mental health. i’m so proud of myself!
the talk was all about the sandy hook shooting one week ago today. the host characterized ‘those people’ (the shooter) as “demon monsters” who are committing these crimes. So I thought I’d weigh in and tell him MY perspective as an SMI consumer. I believe the government here in the United States is failing us. In my state of Arizona you can ONLY get full services if you are poor and SMI. I don’t make tons of money, but I’m actually 24 dollars over the cut to get the state paid health insurance. So the only thing that the state payor does for me, mental health wise, is pay for my medication. They see me about every 3 months and adjust my meds. thats IT! If I call it takes about 3 days to get a call back. they are awful. I basically wanted to let the radio show host know that if the state and U.S. would give proper mental health services these problems would be greatly reduced I believe. period. I didn’t go ‘live’ on the show because wanted to remain anonymous-not wanting to ‘come out’ completely just yet to anyone who is listening locally. I am waiting to hear if they will air my information. The hosts’ sidekick took my information and said he’d pass it on. Hopefully they air this. Maybe the government will start listing TO THE CONSUMERS!

what are your thoughts about this?