Archive for the ‘social security’ Category

Been a while since I’ve made a post. I am still here. Just silent lately.
My BPD has been in full force lately.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the ‘past’ and my issues.
I have started trauma therapy, but the therapist thinks I am not stable enough yet to start EMDR. I’ve told her about my recent homicidal thoughts about my perpetrator.
I want to be completely honest with her, but on the other hand, I just want to start the EMDR. I only have 24 sessions total (free) with her to work things out. I don’t want to lie, then again, Might have to to get the ball rolling.
I’m always feeling suicidal, having the thoughts.
Life has gotten stressful the last 2 weeks because the 2 little ones (10 and 12) are out of school for the summer.
I’m not working anymore and take care of them all the time.
Still waiting to hear when my social security hearing is…at least another 6 months I imagine. 😦
Taking my pills.
Trying to get sleep.
Eating right has been a challenge.
I hope you are all coping OK. Have a nice weekend.
Comment please if you are around, reading. I never know if I’m writing to anyone??
~niki ❤


not surprising, considering my life has been pretty down.
i hate to just come here and bitch about life.
we all have our good days and bad days.
lately mine have been more bad than good.
so i got denied (a second time) with social security benefits (USA). Basically the government is denying that I am disabled and denying they have to pay anything to help me out.
so i appealed once again, with my attorney, and will probably have to wait another YEAR! to get a hearing in front of a court judge. this process in the U.S. is unbearable!
I went to my psych the other day and i was just balling, crying my eyes out.
she said i am unable to work and should stop working. currently i am very p/t from home doing medical transcription.
i agreed with her.
working makes me more ill.
more sick.
more stressed.
on and on.
not sure how we will live on just my husband’s income.
someone we will figure it out. not sure.
just wanted to post and let you know i am still here, just distant. i’ve been isolating a lot lately. bad, i know…

I wanted to thank all my readers for helping me into the hospital over New Year’s.

Here in the USA we can put ourselves inpatient without a doctor’s note or request.

They kind of trick you, saying if you voluntarily go in, you can leave at any time. Not really.  Once you are in you are in.  If you go AMA (against medical advice) then your insurance might not pay for the complete visit.

Either way, I made my way into the hospital around 4 p.m. on Dec 28th.  The 29th was my 41st birthday, and I was inpatient.  Of course New Year’s came soon afterwards and I was still in there for New Year’s Eve.  I came home on New Year’s Day, only by my request really.  The doctor told me I could not leave but since I had my suicide prevention class scheduled for that Wednesday (after New Years) they let me go.

Life has been kind of rocky still since I’ve been out. 

The hard thing about coming out is that life resumes and continues to happen. The stresses of the household are still there when you get home.  I’ve applied for social security disability (insurance and medical) and that whole process usually takes about two years!  I’m one year in so far and been denied once. I since got a lawyer who is helping me with this process.  In the meantime, I am allowed to make under $1,000 dollars a month and still be able to qualify.

Life is just hard. period.

In the hospital the psych doc put me on Seroquel and Lamictal.  This is in addition to my already taken Lexapro and they discontinued the Effexor.  I am no longer having the cutting and self-harm thoughts, thank God. That was awful. Racing thoughts of self-harm is no fun. as you know.

I hope everyone had a good holiday.  As for me, I am glad it is over and family has since left and my stress has gotten a bit better.

xoxo (more…)

random post

Posted: December 18, 2012 in mental health, SMI, social security

this post is going to seem random tonight, as my thoughts are kind of all over the place. first i wanted to share the meds i am taking. i take generic lexapro and generic effexor. the lexapro i’ve been on since i think May this year. the effexor i just started taking last week. i’m maybe 5 days into it. the side effects are not that bad, other than the horrible constipation and the headaches. oh ya, also i wake up every hour on the hour. the NP (nurse) told me this might happen and to take one pill upon waking up and one around 1 p.m. I do this but still it’s messing with my sleep. I’ve been pretty bad lately with my suicidal ideations, but not to the point of doing anything. i just have thoughts. like i think about it a lot. wonder what it would be like. afterwards. and such. i do this a lot. my friend (who i met inpatient mental ward in sept this year) tells me she thinks i should go back inpatient for a while to get my meds corrected. i don’t know. i am SMI and am going for social security/disability. my attorney says go inpatient if i need to, as it will help my case in the long run, but to not live my life around social security. i agree. right now i’m trying to stay out of the hospital due to christmas. i have the kids still at home and just don’t know how i would explain that to them years from now , where was i on xmas 2012??? hmmm. my first trauma skills class starts tomorrow evening. i will take this once a week for 5 months or thereabouts. they want to prepare me for one on one trauma counseling. seems like a long time to do this, but i am desperate at this point to get help AND it’s free! i hear they do EMDR and all the best top of the line stuff. so we’ll see. i’ll keep you posted on how that goes. for now i’m going to lie down. my mind needs to rest a bit. if you are a newbie to my gentle healing blog, i welcome you to say HI, introduce yourself. and i really hope i do not ever offend anyone. but i want my posts to be real. me. only my thoughts so others can heal with me. have a good nite 😉

so I applied for social sec. in Jan/Feb this year. Was denied in Sept. Got my attorney and we are appealing. She tells me that my NP nurse pract. isn’t good enough for SS purposes to qualify, that they don’t look at the NP’s as legit.  Well I’m with a clinic because I was diagnosed SMI serious mental illness this year. I got on the state services in terms of meds and labs only, no counseling because my income is $24 too high monthly. I have good BC/BS insurance thru my husband’s work and it will cost me $25 a visit to get a good psychiatrist. I want to do one on one counseling with a good psych, plus this will look more legit for social security purposes. oh this long damn long road with social security. in the meantime, i work very p/t at home making under the $1,000/month required to still receive SS. any suggestions in terms of the psych? anyone else on SS who can shed some light on this? my depresssion has been awful lately and the holidays are awful on me. i feel like going inpatient just to avoid them 😦