not surprising, considering my life has been pretty down.
i hate to just come here and bitch about life.
we all have our good days and bad days.
lately mine have been more bad than good.
so i got denied (a second time) with social security benefits (USA). Basically the government is denying that I am disabled and denying they have to pay anything to help me out.
so i appealed once again, with my attorney, and will probably have to wait another YEAR! to get a hearing in front of a court judge. this process in the U.S. is unbearable!
I went to my psych the other day and i was just balling, crying my eyes out.
she said i am unable to work and should stop working. currently i am very p/t from home doing medical transcription.
i agreed with her.
working makes me more ill.
more sick.
more stressed.
on and on.
not sure how we will live on just my husband’s income.
someone we will figure it out. not sure.
just wanted to post and let you know i am still here, just distant. i’ve been isolating a lot lately. bad, i know…


Just Because……

Posted: March 26, 2013 in Uncategorized

Just Because…….

i’ve been going to my DBT class weekly.

i’ve been trying here and there to attend my support group.

i think i’m finally done with the support group.

it’s getting weirder and weirder and it triggers me.

do you attend groups to help you get thru?


i have weight issues.
big issues.
meds make me fatter and fatter.
no, i’m not that ‘skinny’ girl that says ‘oh shit, i’ve gained 10 pounds’.
i weighed in at my general doc yesterday at 263!
My highest recorded weight EVER!
Just last year I was 240.
Before that I remember getting down to 222.
Well in 2011 I was not medicated at all for my mental health. was losing weight rapidly.
now look at me.
263. WTF?
i’m pissed.
i’m angry.
i’m sad.
i’m even MORE depressed now.

i try not to listen to those that say ‘just exercise’. WTF! I’ve been walking for about 6 months now, at least 3-4 times a week, faithfully.
no, my eating is not ‘perfect’.
but IMO, let’s face it, psych meds make you gain weight. period.

with my ‘clinic’ i’m in for my mental health they had me join this ‘wellness program’ for my workouts, weight control, nutrition classes, the list goes on.
all free, because i’m C-R-A-Z-Y. lol.

i have a love/hate relationship with my brain.

seriously woke up crying hard this morning from the depression being brought on by my frickin weight.

do you suffer?
what do you do?
so i’m going back to the psych doc to get more meds, different meds, and play the med game, once again.

more about friends~

Posted: February 24, 2013 in depression, friends, mental health

why why why why do I chase down friends?

I posted last time about a friend that I have (or i think I do).

I’ve just met her in September last year.

We got very close very fast as friends. Did stuff together with the whole family. etc.

Now she is like non-existent. Never texts (first). Never calls. on and on. She is not MEAN, just distant. Whenever we talk it’s fine, no problems.

But she’s so damn passive aggressive. I think I attract these types of people.

So I decided to address it head on and send her a text. Basically stating “are we ok? hope it’s not something I did, and i hope we’re ok” or something like this.

WHY why why why do I always chase down friends. It’s like they leave in silence and I never know why they leave. People just don’t communicate anymore. they rather leave “quietly” thinking they won’t hurt your feelings that way.
Well with me it’s different because in my life I’ve had so much damn NEGLECT that it’s worse for me to be ignored and neglected than to be yelled at or told what I did /am doing wrong.

WTF? People make it very difficult for me to be their friend. Guess it’s my BPD????
Seems like WE as the mental health consumers always have to accept that it’s US making the problems and that everyone “normal” has their shit together and it’s not their problem. WTF?

input? advice?

good grief…Says Charlie Brown…

still around

Posted: February 15, 2013 in friends

so i am still here.
not much to say lately.
weekly psych visits.
more meds.
hope all is well with you guys 🙂

Yep, I have BPD, on top of my already:

SMI-serious mental illness diagnosis
major depression
generalized anxiety disorder

BPD is the diagnosis no one wants. I rather be bipolar *i think*
i just dunno.
damn damn damn

i was at my psychologist last week and asked ‘her opinion’ on what she thinks of me, diagnosis wise.
she said that i definitely have “borderline” in there.

’nuff said.
words of encouragement? anyone? 😦